My Seven Stages of Grief: The Upward Turn

THE UPWARD TURN

"As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more  organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly."
                                            recover-from-grief.com


I've never made a "New Year's Resolution" as I know myself better. However, this year was different. I vowed to heal in 2016. I literally awoke on January 1st, just two days after my meltdown at the Trans Siberian Orchestra concert, and threw an awful fit over a dog mess. I slammed, stomped, screamed, swore and scared the hell out of my boyfriend. Sadly, I immediately felt relief, release and strength. Shortly after, I went out with my girlfriends and was renewed, and a bit in shock over my behavior. But, hey, I got that out of my system. 

I was determined to have a better, no a great, 2016. Clearly, 2015 was not the best year given the death of my husband, loss of so-called-friends and the financial mess I had to face. It can always be much worse and I certainly recognize this. I am always grateful for all that I had and do have. I am simply now on a mission to clean up, wipe out, fix and restore relationships, rumors, feelings, and well, myself. Time to turn my frown upside down, move forward, allow myself to feel again and not run from myself. 

"Operation Clean Up" is now in progress. I reached out to my pastor who I hadn't seen since Craig's death. I reached out to my step daughter making amends after a six month silence. I confronted the man who was slandering me as he was clearly unaware of the reality of Craig's Will. I planned a spa day and getaway for the anniversary weekend of Craig's death. I planned another getaway for Valentine's weekend. 

I feel good. I feel renewed. I needed that December knockdown. I needed the meltdown and the fit of rage. All were a part of my healing. I don't like those feelings and am not naturally one to cry and yell, but I needed to release in those ways and it really felt good! 

My Seven Stages of Grief: Pain & Guilt

PAIN & GUILT

"As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase." 

                                            www.recover-from-grief.com

Damnit! I clearly missed this memo: "and not...escape from it with alcohol"....Oopsie daisie!  After not drinking for about 1 1/2 years during my husband's treatment program, I returned like a champion. It didn't last long as my MS prevailed and my left leg which I kindly named, "Nelly," let me know that drinking was not going to be the answer to my pain! Damn, Nelly!

I do remember some  feelings of pain and certainly remember things being real chaotic when I made the rude discovery a month after my husband passed away that basically my husband's Will was null and void. Yep, he rewrote our 2006 Will right after his diagnosis in early 2013 while he was heavily doped up and, well, according to my lawyer, gave his company, instead of his family, everything except my dirty laundry. Crap. So much for a legal, notarized document written by a team of expensive lawyers. 

Yep, there was chaos and pain, alright. WTH? 

I  certainly felt  remorse for not getting my own life insurance for my husband, as the one indicated in the WILL actually went to his company. I filled in a few life insurance forms during his illness, but was always reassured that I would have "More money than 'I' would know what to do with," so I left this all in the hands of my heavily sedated husband. Oh, yes, there was remorse. 

And yes, life certainly felt chaotic and scary as my once financially stable, ok financially spoiled,  livelihood was questionable now. Instead of limos, I was using Uber.  I found a less expensive cleaning lady, lawn service and cut a few other corners. OK, I wasn't desolate, but I wasn't living "la vida loca!" Despite still being a shareholder/part owner of my husband's company, I no longer  had access  to  the loges, suites and floor tickets for all of our major sports games. Back to the bleachers:) 

Despite it all, I just had to believe things would eventually work out for the children and me. I finally understood that my husband did all of this to keep his companies going and his employees employed. The kids and I would be financially ok...eventually. So, I buried the hurt and pain from this misfortune, as well. I can't undo it. I can't change it. I have to accept what it is and move forward the best I can. 

So far, I am getting through these seven stages of grief just great!!! Keep up the great work, Kasey! 

My Seven Stages of Grief: Denial & Shock

SHOCK & DENIAL

You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of

the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from

being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

                                               recover-from-grief.com

Oh, hell yah! "Denial" was my middle name! I ran like a deer during hunting season and I didn't look back for months. It started two days after we put Craig to rest. My once filled home was emptied rapidly. All of our friends went home, my step children returned to their homes out of state and I left town with little knowledge of where I was heading or why I was going there. I was simply running away from reality and I am one quick runner!

After that two week hiatus, I continued to run, though in the form of playing hard with my friends and family. I spent the Spring, Summer and Fall dancing my heart away, traveling more and staying away from my home as much as I could. Oh, I was the master of Denial!

I gained confidence and independence through this time. Suddenly, I was "Woman hear me roar!" and could independently navigate around town after years of being carted around in a limo or by Craig. I could go to parties, bars, restaurants and music venues by myself and had no problem dancing anywhere I went. 

By the time I returned home each evening, I was exhausted and hit the bed hard. This strategically allowed for no time to grieve. Next day: Shampoo. Rinse. Repeat. 

No regrets. I was already in the "Operation Meltdown" planning process and believed I could hold out all emotions until Craig's 60th birthday. I had mastered  pushing my feelings down to the core for years, so what's another few months? Right???

What is Grief? What is Mourning?

Before I can go on, let me give you a little background on my recovery thus far:

First and foremost, let's understand what exactly "Grief" and "Mourning" mean according to good old Google:

Grief: deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death

synonyms: sorrow, misery, sadness, anguish, pain, distress, heartache, heartbreak, agony,torment, affliction, suffering, woe, desolation, dejection, despair; mourning, mournfulness,

bereavement, lamentation.

Mourning:  the expression of deep sorrow for someone who has died.

synonyms: grief, grieving, sorrowing, lamentation, lament, keening, wailing, weeping!

My grief began long before Craig passed away, as I knew his death was inevitable. I hid it well, pushing it deep down inside of me, but I certainly knew my time with him was limited and for that, I was heartbroken, sad and hurting inside. But, his last days on Earth weren't about me, they were about him and I did all I could to keep him comfortable, happy, entertained and distracted from reality. 

Although we did not have the traditional wake, but instead a "Celebration of Life" there was still a lot of weeping and wailing that occurred that night and the day of Craig's funeral. Alcohol certainly added to the grief, probably not in the best way, but it was how most of us knew how to cope. I felt my role during this time was to comfort others, keep the mood light, and well, entertain. Probably the beginning of my denial!

I guess this means we need to revisit the seven stages of grief before I begin the end of this journey...stay tuned:)

Planning my Grief

So, most of you don’t know that I actually planned my grief and mourning to occur from November 11, 2015 to February 14, 2016...because that's what OCD counselors do, right? 

It made perfect sense as it included all of the significant and difficult memories including Craig’s rapid decline last Fall/Winter, his 60th birthday, Thanksgiving, all of the traditional Christmas celebrations, New Years Eve, the 1st anniversary of Craig’s death (1/22) and Valentines Day. I was going to hibernate in my ma'am cave each evening, travel, write my next book and somehow, some way recover during this time. 

Well, I had the joy and opportunity to dine with several uplifting, encouraging and inspirational women over this break to whom I shared my great plan: 

Operation Meltdown: Kasey's Great Grief Plan!

At the time I was not executing the plan very well and it was quite obvious as several friends (and family) strongly suggested I seek counseling:)  But, January 1st came and I was overwhelmed with strength, empowerment and determination to heal, reconstruct and accept all of my life as it is now.  

If by February 15th, I am not in a good place, I will succumb to therapy (blah blah blah), but for now, I do believe I can successfully recover alone and with a little help (time, tears, laughter, wine...) from my friends and family.

I will heal. I believe. 

Follow my journey at

http://mindovermatterbooks.blogspot.com/?m=1

Love your pets

Well, it has been many years since my husband or I have had a dog and now a first for us to have one together. Five years ago we became empty nesters and broached the topic of adopting a dog a number  times...until we watched, "Marley and Me." That movie was a deal breaker for both of us as we sobbed incessantly and then emphatically agreed we were not ready for a puppy.

Well, five years later, now that we have slowed down a bit and find ourselves home more due to Craig's illness, we started talking the puppy-talk again. It all came to fruition his birthday weekend when I stumbled upon a picture of an adorable 8 week old Terrier/bull mix from the shelter. We fell in love with the picture, and then again when we met her in person. She was one of 4 in a litter rescued from an abusive and neglectful home in a bad neighborhood. She had been malnourished and abused, but was on the mend. We knew the moment we met her that she was the one!

As I was signing my life away at the check-out of the shelter, I was asked about her name. Hmmm. I came in thinking I was buying a boy and had great names like, "Willy" and "Sammy" all ready to go. But this cute Petey-from-the-Little-Rascals-look-alike was a GIRL. I needed a name and a name that had meaning. I felt at the moment like the sky parted and a golden light shone down upon me as her name came to me: "Bella Eve"  BELIEVE! Our life motto is now our new best friend.

Bella Eve is quite the character! We have had her for only a few days and we just love her! She has been such an asset to our home bringing some positive change,  excitement and more laughs than usual! She has already gone shopping, taken several walks, met her neighbor friend dogs and taken car rides. She is adapting well. Of course, as a puppy, she is still peeing & pooping in the house, and biting, chewing and jumping up.. but these behaviors are diminishing by the hours. Despite all these minor puppy flaws, we sure do love our Bella Eve! We do BELIEVE she is a warm welcome to our family and home!

Believe you can hit a homerun

Well, my grandfather must have know when he delivered me and named me "Kasey" that I would be a Tomboy and enjoy sports, especially baseball.  In the neighborhood, and when I met people, I was sometimes referred to as "Casey at the Bat," an old children's book character. It fit well when I was growing up as I played softball for many years and was a huge fan of the Cleveland Indians.

A favorite childhood memory is when my father  took me out of school for an opening day game. We rode the rapids down to the bitterly cold stadium and  enthusiastically watched the game while some  moment in history happen on the field.   To this day my neighbor friends have to remind me that I was too young to even know what had happened (some african american manager also played and stole a base or something??) I was in too much awe over the entire scenario to notice such sophisticated details! I returned to school the next day with a note from my mother simply stating, "Please excuse Kasey from school. She was absent yesterday." You can imagine the nun's facial expression as I stood there with my fresh Indians pennant, an Indians program and probably Cracker Jack crumbs still on me.

My grade school softball team won the trophy 3 out of 4 years. The final year they finally separated my teammate, Monica and I and we ended up in playoffs against each other. After many innings, and extra innings, of very competitive play, Monica's team finally won the championship. Still, I was a great player, at least everyone thought I was. I, too, thought I was. I was "Kasey at the Bat!!!" I believed I was great and could hit a homerun without any doubt. I had believers behind me and the belief within me and that was all it took.

It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized otherwise. First was when I reflected back to a basketball camp I attended the summer before 9th grade. I was hot on the courts at my little elementary school so it seemed only natural for the coach to send me off to camp so I could play for my upcoming private all-girls high school. However, at camp I was not the fastest on the court and therefore couldn't get to the hoop in time to make several attempts at a basket. To put it bluntly, I sucked. I put the experience behind me and took to Cross Country and Track in high school, instead.

Then, as an adult, while playing co-ed softball with a number of kids from my neighborhood, my one neighbor approached me in the dugout. She said, "Man, Kasey, when you were a kid, you were hot, you were the best softball player in the neighborhood. Everyone feared you................NOW, you suck!" WOW was she right! I hadn't played for about 10 years and quite frankly, I couldn't hit very far at all. I truly sucked at the game and was eventually made Designated Runner.  I had realized that the only thing that made me good at both sports was my ability to outrun everyone. Once I faced bigger competition at the camp and with adult men, I couldn't outrun their plays. I really didn't hit the ball that far to get my homeruns, I just ran faster than the outfielders could play.

Thank goodness for my belief in myself and the belief from others. Had I realized as a child that the only gift I had was the ability to outrun poor outfielders, I may not have played so well. I am grateful for all of those who also didn't see this and believed in me and my ability to hit homeruns!

Now as a counselor, I get new students coming to my big public school from their  small parochial schools. Their parents tell me what outstanding athletes they are and how their child will be playing varsity sports with us because they are so good. I just can't help but wonder if it's really only that they can outrun the slow players....but hey, I would never destroy what a child believes in him/herself!!!

Believe in Your Dreams

I dedicate this blog to my dear niece, Jackie Kennedy, who is 11 years old today! Happy birthday, Jackie! Five years ago she was sweet enough to spend a lot of time with me to brainstorm pages for my books.  We spent a few days & nights that summer just brainstorming. I told her my dream and she believed!  But I put the books to rest once the school year began.....


My dream to write children’s books then came to full fruition this past
year as I published my first book, “Believe” and completed the
additional four books in my Mind Over Matter Series. I am still amazed
by how fast the whole process happened once I set my mind to making this
dream a reality. Literally one year ago I shared my idea with my close
friend, Dawn....


I don’t remember stopping to think about the process, time and work that was 
going into the books throughout the next few months. I
was on automatic pilot. Within a few months I hired Jan the artist, Kim
my Graphic Designer, Halo International Publisher and unofficially made
Dawn my manager.  It all just came together. I was on a roll and nothing
was going to stop me from following this dream.


I remember the day I learned from my publisher that I was going to have
to start my own business to sell these books. My head was spinning. I
had been  in education the past 22 years…not business, and more
specifically, not marketing. This was not part of the dream! My dear husband, a successful business
owner for 27 years, saw my distress and immediately took a bottle of
wine, my book notes and me to my Ma’am cave to help me establish my
first (and only) business: Mind Over Matter Books (M.O.M). His advice, support and gentle words helped me quickly integrate this unwanted addition into my dream...and I started to really enjoy it!


In less than one year I have marketed the heck out of the first book, Believe. We have been published in several local newspapers, reviewed by several blog and book sites, interviewed by radio and tv personalities and displayed in several local libraries. We've had a few book signings and have a big book signing on  April 14th at the Avon Library! I have a full business set up in my home office including all the necessary materials for billing, mailing and marketing. I have mastered the art of marketing without ever knowing that would be part a part of my book writing dream!


Now, not all dreams work out exactly like one plans and this has been no exception. My ambitious drive to have LOVE out by Valentines, LAUGH out by April Fools Day, RELAX out by summer and DREAM out by next winter was, well, simply over ambitious and not realistic. But, hey, a girl can dream! LOVE may not get out until next Valentines and I am ok with that. The minor detail I was missing is having the thousands of dollars to go to print for the remaining 4 books. I basically have to sell enough of BELIEVE before I can afford to go to print with the next book. I am ok with that, because I BELIEVE I WILL get all of these books to print and into many hands of the children. 


I have told this story to several of my high school students who have talked about their dreams. I encourage them  to never stop believing they can follow their dream! If you have the drive and ambition, you can make it happen! There may be some roadblocks and challenges, but it is all worth the end product of having reached your dream. My book sits proudly in my high school office as a true testament that anyone can make their dreams come true...as long as they BELIEVE!!! Most importantly, I hope my experience encourages Jackie and all of my family to believe in their dreams and follow them!!


Thank you, Jackie and Team MOM for believing in my dream and helping me reach it! 

Believe in Good Luck

I'm not  a  good luck fanatic, but I do believe there is some credence to good luck. I don't rub a rabbit's foot, blow on dice before rolling them or have one special lucky number, but I still believe sometimes we are lucky. I wrote this blog for my very Irish BFF, Mary Pat O'Toole. I have spent many St. Paddy's days with her, traveled to Ireland with her and have enjoyed her friendship for over 20 years.  

About a year ago we were playing Keno at a local establishment. We had gone in on a ticket together and selected our numbers accordingly.  We were down to one last number and had two favorites from which to choose. I liked the number 17 because it was my mother's favorite number, the date in which she was buried and my parents anniversary date....ok, and it was Brian Sipes number, too...and he was kinda dreamy back in the 80's.  Mary Pat also liked 17 because that was a birthdate of one of her parents and of course it is the date of St. Paddy's day, her favorite holiday!  We both liked the number 14 due to additional significant dates in our parents' lives. Though I was leaning heavily towards 17, I let my lucky Irish friend pick and she chose 14. Well, 17 would have  gotten us $1000. We settled for the $100 payoff which was basically enough to pay our tab and I reminded her of this not-so-lucky encounter for several weeks. 

Years earlier when  Mary Pat & I  were in Ireland a bird pooped on my new Irish sweater. Given the deposit size I was certain it was a  pterodactyl   that flew over me! I ran into the restroom in hopes to restore my prized possession. An Irish woman next to me at the sink immediately asked, "Is that bird poop?" I unenthusiastically responded with an affirmative to which the woman cackled heavily and loudly. I was miffed to say the least! When she finally came up for air from her obnoxious laughter, she informed me in her Irish brogue that bird poop was good luck. I immediately questioned why, in the vast greenness of Ireland, could I not  just have found a four-leaf clover?

Well, as it turned out, that bird poop WAS good luck! I had three strange, yet wonderful, encounters with money upon my return home. I received an unexpected supplemental paycheck. Bonus! I won a scratch-off lottery for a small amount of money, but hey I won! Bonus! Finally, I received a rare, and I mean RARE, refund from my insurance company! BONUS again! I was lucky, indeed!

So, why not believe in good luck? It can't hurt? There's very little you have to invest in it to believe in it!

Happy St. Paddy's day Everyone! Believe in that good luck!

Believe - Kasey Crawford Kellem

Believe - Kasey Crawford Kellem

Believe in Heaven

Heaven. Yep, I'm a believer! Not just because I was raised Catholic and it was embedded in my thoughts long before I could even conceptualize it's meaning, but also because if I didn't believe, I probably wouldn't accept death as well as I do.

A number of people in my life have headed off to the big party in Heaven while I am here awaiting my invitation. Patiently, waiting my invitation, that is:) It started with my grandparents, then some older students from my grade school, a neighbor kid, friends, my mother, more friends, my friends' parents...oh the list goes on. My colleagues joke that I should just be a grief counselor as I seem to spend a lot of time at funerals and wakes. I think it was my mother's death that helped me put it in perspective. She wanted more than anything to be with her parents and brother and eventually got her way.

I developed my own train of thinking about death and felt it was confirmed in Mitch Albom's book, "The Five People you meet in Heaven," along with the books, "Heaven is for Real" and "90 minutes in Heaven." I came up with the "Trifecta" of life. I figured everything else religious seems to be in threes, so this only makes sense to me!

We begin in stage one: The Womb. We are comfortable, warm, fed and don't want to leave the environment.The people outside of the womb await our arrival eagerly, while we reluctantly come out kicking and screaming. The second stage, Earth, can last minutes to decades. Again, we may be comfortable, warm, fed and don't want to leave Earth for, again, the unknown. However, our family and friends in Heaven eagerly await our arrival. Finally, our third stage, Heaven, allows us to spend eternity in peace.  It seems like the party of a lifetime to me! This "Trifecta" comforts me.  I look forward to seeing my mother, other relatives and friends, but am just as eager to spend my life with those still on Earth.

I hope that children can see life and Heaven in a similar way so to be at ease with the process.

Believe you can ride a bike

Riding a bike was an integral part of my life: childhood, adolescence and adulthood. My father was instrumental in teaching me to ride my bike and provided me with a variety of fun bicycles throughout my childhood. When my twin sisters came along 8 years later, I was eager to teach them to ride a bike. I remember Judy's eagerness to learn how to ride when she was only 3 years old. She practiced daily on her little bike with blocks on the pedals so she could reach them. One afternoon she hollered across the street for me while I was swimming with my neighbor. I looked out from over the pool side as she told me to watch her. Next thing I know she was peddling away without any help! I truly think that was the moment that I knew I wanted to be a teacher! Seeing her believe in herself and push herself to reach her goal at such a young age was so rewarding!


I am relieved to see my little sisters instilling bike riding in their children. At first my sisters rode their adult bikes with the children behind in the kid carriers. Role modeling biking is so important! Once the kids were old enough they moved on to 2-wheeled bikes with training wheels which seemed temporary as they were eager to ride the big bike without the extra helpful wheels! About a month ago, my 4 year old nephew graduated to the two-wheeler without training wheels! That was pretty much the average age for any of my family to learn to ride a bike.

My sister, Anne lives  3.14 miles from my house...roughly:) Over the past few summers, I would ride my bike to her house, get her two oldest kids and the three of us would ride back to my house to swim. Later, I would ride with them back home. They were 6-9 years old and riding over 6 miles. Pretty impressive! This summer my 5 year old niece rode to and from my home on her little bike. She had no clue how much peddling was entailed given the size of her tires and the distance. She was a trooper!!

I hope parents are still encouraging their children to not only learn to ride a bike, but actively use a bike daily. Not only is biking a great social tool connecting kids from areas they may not otherwise walk, but also it is a great source of exercise.  Bike riding also connects family members as it is a great activity that all members can enjoy! Let your children ride their bikes in parades, play follow-the-leader or race! These activities will be fond memories for them for life!

Believe in yourself!

My little sister, Judy, is my inspiration when it comes to believing in herself! She has set  a number of challenging goals throughout her life and continues to meet them. She jumped out of a plane, ran several half marathons, ran a full marathon and just recently completed her first triathlon. Running and biking have always been a strength of Judy's, but swimming was not.

For a month prior to the triathlon, Judy trained religiously. She lacked form and knowledge about swimming competitively, but was determined to learn. She took advice from my step daughter, Jessica, my friend, Dave, and her friend Jenny all of whom were on the swim team in high school. She came to my house and swam daily and even practiced in the area lake where the competition would take place. She believed in herself and her ability and was determined to succeed.

On the day of the triathlon, Judy was prepared and confident. She swam first and had perfect form and  looked very strong! During the bike race she was soaring and looked like she was just taking a leisure ride....at a VERY rapid pace! The run was the last part of the competition. She was amazing!  She looked so strong and relaxed like she hadn't even competed in the other events prior.

Judy not only completed her first ever triathlon, but she did it at a competitive pace, time and place (1st in her age division-20th overall).   Our father, all of her sisters, her entire family and  friends were there to witness this incredible feat! We are so proud of her! She accomplished her goal because she believed in herself! She is a true icon of Believing!!!

Have you accomplished everything you wanted to accomplish to this point in your life? What do you believe  is holding your back and how can you overcome those obstacles to achieve your goal? What do you need from yourself to get there and what do  you need from others (spouse, children, family, friends, co-workers) to reach your goal? Set out with a strong belief in yourself and you will accomplish anything on your list!

What about your children? Have they been raised to believe in their abilities and strengths despite any possible obstacles (disability, stature, level of intelligence, socioeconomic level..)? Have they been taught to go after their goals and push themselves to their potential? What can you do to help them to believe in their selves?

BELIEVE

"Believe." That word is posted throughout our home. It is on wall artwork, pillows, candles, plaques, shelf decorations, blankets and Christmas ornaments. In any room in our home, you will find the word "Believe!" This is the word that helped my husband through his divorce after his wife left him many years ago.

He was in the kitchen fighting tears looking out the kitchen window asking the question, "Why?" Randomly, his eight year old daughter asked from the other room, "You know what one of my spelling words is this week?" Through tears, he responded, "No, what is it?" She said, "Believe. B-E-L-I-E-V-E. Believe."

From that point on, "Believe" was my husband's mantra. He got through his divorce, remarried and raised two great kids while balancing his successful business. Even a few years ago when his company fell victim to the recession, he kept on believing that things would get better and they did.

You have to believe that life can and will get better no matter what your circumstance.   Believe in your ability. Believe in your strength to get through difficult situations. Believe in a better life. Believe in a happy future. It is kind of like the old saying, "Whether you think you can or think you can't, you are right!" Believe you can!