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Wednesday, January 6, 2016

My Seven Stages of Grief: Pain & Guilt

PAIN & GUILT

"As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase." 
                                            www.recover-from-grief.com



Damnit! I clearly missed this memo: "and not...escape from it with alcohol"....Oopsie daisie!  After not drinking for about 1 1/2 years during my husband's treatment program, I returned like a champion. It didn't last long as my MS prevailed and my left leg which I kindly named, "Nelly," let me know that drinking was not going to be the answer to my pain! Damn, Nelly!

I do remember some  feelings of pain and certainly remember things being real chaotic when I made the rude discovery a month after my husband passed away that basically my husband's Will was null and void. Yep, he rewrote our 2006 Will right after his diagnosis in early 2013 while he was heavily doped up and, well, according to my lawyer, gave his company, instead of his family, everything except my dirty laundry. Crap. So much for a legal, notarized document written by a team of expensive lawyers. 

Yep, there was chaos and pain, alright. WTH? 

I  certainly felt  remorse for not getting my own life insurance for my husband, as the one indicated in the WILL actually went to his company. I filled in a few life insurance forms during his illness, but was always reassured that I would have "More money than 'I' would know what to do with," so I left this all in the hands of my heavily sedated husband. Oh, yes, there was remorse. 

And yes, life certainly felt chaotic and scary as my once financially stable, ok financially spoiled,  livelihood was questionable now. Instead of limos, I was using Uber.  I found a less expensive cleaning lady, lawn service and cut a few other corners. OK, I wasn't desolate, but I wasn't living "la vida loca!" Despite still being a shareholder/part owner of my husband's company, I no longer  had access  to  the loges, suites and floor tickets for all of our major sports games. Back to the bleachers:) 

Despite it all, I just had to believe things would eventually work out for the children and me. I finally understood that my husband did all of this to keep his companies going and his employees employed. The kids and I would be financially ok...eventually. So, I buried the hurt and pain from this misfortune, as well. I can't undo it. I can't change it. I have to accept what it is and move forward the best I can. 

So far, I am getting through these seven stages of grief just great!!! Keep up the great work, Kasey! 

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