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Monday, January 11, 2016

My Seven Stages of Grief: The Upward Turn

"As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more  organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly."

I've never made a "New Year's Resolution" as I know myself better. However, this year was different. I vowed to heal in 2016. I literally awoke on January 1st, just two days after my meltdown at the Trans Siberian Orchestra concert, and threw an awful fit over a dog mess. I slammed, stomped, screamed, swore and scared the hell out of my boyfriend. Sadly, I immediately felt relief, release and strength. Shortly after, I went out with my girlfriends and was renewed, and a bit in shock over my behavior. But, hey, I got that out of my system. 

I was determined to have a better, no a great, 2016. Clearly, 2015 was not the best year given the death of my husband, loss of so-called-friends and the financial mess I had to face. It can always be much worse and I certainly recognize this. I am always grateful for all that I had and do have. I am simply now on a mission to clean up, wipe out, fix and restore relationships, rumors, feelings, and well, myself. Time to turn my frown upside down, move forward, allow myself to feel again and not run from myself. 

"Operation Clean Up" is now in progress. I reached out to my pastor who I hadn't seen since Craig's death. I reached out to my step daughter making amends after a six month silence. I confronted the man who was slandering me as he was clearly unaware of the reality of Craig's Will. I planned a spa day and getaway for the anniversary weekend of Craig's death. I planned another getaway for Valentine's weekend. 

I feel good. I feel renewed. I needed that December knockdown. I needed the meltdown and the fit of rage. All were a part of my healing. I don't like those feelings and am not naturally one to cry and yell, but I needed to release in those ways and it really felt good! 

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