You see, there was only one small problem, All along, I had no real desire to fully execute this plan. I still wanted to dance and play and laugh. I had just started dating a wonderful man and certainly didn't want to have any meltdowns in front of him! I was excited about getting back on my feet and having someone to share my life with again. There was no time or room for "cra-cra." I had to be that happy-go-lucky girl he met a few weeks before my planned melt-down. Good luck, Kasey!
Luckily, I had the pleasure of dining with several dynamic women from all different parts of my world over my winter break. I explained where I was emotionally with Craig's death and explained how I had planned my meltdown but was having some issues executing it. They either laughed or looked at me sadly, but all stated the same message:
You can't just PLAN your meltdown!
Yes, I can.
No, You can't!
Yes, I can!
And so the conversations went.
Until a few of them strongly suggested I seek counseling. WHAT? HELLO! I AM A COUNSELOR!!! I DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' COUNSELOR!!!!!!
Yep, that was the kick in the ass I needed to allow myself to fully grieve!
I knew I had built-up sadness. I knew I needed to just CRY! I knew I needed to be alone more to reflect. But that is not my personality. I am "Counselor Kasey," "Crazy Kasey." I like to be happy, not sad. So, I fought it real hard all these months until I finally had my first breakdown on December 30th...at the Transiberian Orchestra...in front of a few of my closest friends...and, yep, my new boyfriend. LOVELY. Timing is everything. My well-planned grief-tour was very poorly executed....but, damn, it felt really good!
Thank goodness my friends were prepared for my meltdown and were able to comfort me. Also, thank goodness my dear boyfriend was patient and understanding. This can't be easy for him, that is for certain. What kind of basket case did he get himself involved with? Thankfully, he understood and was able to talk with me about my meltdown and well, my entire "Grief Tour" that officially hit home in December. Ugh.
I may have to have a few more of these crying fits in the next few weeks or months. Actually, I AM going to have a few more of these crying fits! What a release! I felt relieved, comforted and stronger. Next time, however, I may try it in the comfort of my own home...alone....to some sappy "Hallmark for Women" movie. Time to watch "The Notebook"!
Depression, reflection and loneliness, You have nothing on me!!!