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Friday, January 8, 2016

My Seven Stages of Grief: Anger and Bargaining


"Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. 
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")"

Ok, in all honesty, I NEVER said (or thought), "I will never drink again if you just bring him back." I knew better:) I knew I had a good thing from the moment I met Craig. I recognized he was a gift and knew my time with him was limited as life on Earth is not eternal. I was truly grateful for the time I had with Craig and  the memories that couldn't be taken away. I was also well aware our relationship was extraordinary and most people don't experience such unconditional love, respect and trust from a partner ever..so the near eleven years I had with Craig was a true blessing! 

But, I can also honestly say that the only time I ever yelled at my husband was shortly after his death and my rude discovery of the financial mess I was left with thanks to the very convoluted and false Will. I actually screamed at him in my bedroom. Unfortunately, he wasn't alive to defend himself and assure me that "This, too, shall pass!" I felt awful for the outburst and vowed to not allow this mess unfold me. I had to keep believing I would get through all of this and be ok financially...and mentally. 

I know some anger occasionally  reared its ugly head when I thought about the people who took advantage of my husband's generosity and good nature. There were a few. Maybe I was just venting my hurt and pain out on them. What would Freud say? 

Anger also erupted not-so-softly in December as I discovered some false accusations were made about me regarding my stepkids and the Will. It just took one person to start some rumors, I am guessing because he, too, was hurting. Taking it out on me, however, was not the way to go! I was a mess that month and let it get the best of me. I was hurt and distraught that someone was backstabbing me in this way. 

I had to let go of that anger, too, as I know the truth, my friends and family know the truth, and, well, the truth is all in a well organized, 100+ paged professional binder labeled "The Estate of Craig and Katherine Kellem." 

Some people suck. I guess that is the anger in my talking. Looks like I have successfully gone through Anger and Bargaining! Yay, me!!!

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