My Seven Stages of Grief: Denial & Shock

SHOCK & DENIAL

You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of

the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from

being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

                                               recover-from-grief.com

Oh, hell yah! "Denial" was my middle name! I ran like a deer during hunting season and I didn't look back for months. It started two days after we put Craig to rest. My once filled home was emptied rapidly. All of our friends went home, my step children returned to their homes out of state and I left town with little knowledge of where I was heading or why I was going there. I was simply running away from reality and I am one quick runner!

After that two week hiatus, I continued to run, though in the form of playing hard with my friends and family. I spent the Spring, Summer and Fall dancing my heart away, traveling more and staying away from my home as much as I could. Oh, I was the master of Denial!

I gained confidence and independence through this time. Suddenly, I was "Woman hear me roar!" and could independently navigate around town after years of being carted around in a limo or by Craig. I could go to parties, bars, restaurants and music venues by myself and had no problem dancing anywhere I went. 

By the time I returned home each evening, I was exhausted and hit the bed hard. This strategically allowed for no time to grieve. Next day: Shampoo. Rinse. Repeat. 

No regrets. I was already in the "Operation Meltdown" planning process and believed I could hold out all emotions until Craig's 60th birthday. I had mastered  pushing my feelings down to the core for years, so what's another few months? Right???

What is Grief? What is Mourning?

Before I can go on, let me give you a little background on my recovery thus far:

First and foremost, let's understand what exactly "Grief" and "Mourning" mean according to good old Google:

Grief: deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death

synonyms: sorrow, misery, sadness, anguish, pain, distress, heartache, heartbreak, agony,torment, affliction, suffering, woe, desolation, dejection, despair; mourning, mournfulness,

bereavement, lamentation.

Mourning:  the expression of deep sorrow for someone who has died.

synonyms: grief, grieving, sorrowing, lamentation, lament, keening, wailing, weeping!

My grief began long before Craig passed away, as I knew his death was inevitable. I hid it well, pushing it deep down inside of me, but I certainly knew my time with him was limited and for that, I was heartbroken, sad and hurting inside. But, his last days on Earth weren't about me, they were about him and I did all I could to keep him comfortable, happy, entertained and distracted from reality. 

Although we did not have the traditional wake, but instead a "Celebration of Life" there was still a lot of weeping and wailing that occurred that night and the day of Craig's funeral. Alcohol certainly added to the grief, probably not in the best way, but it was how most of us knew how to cope. I felt my role during this time was to comfort others, keep the mood light, and well, entertain. Probably the beginning of my denial!

I guess this means we need to revisit the seven stages of grief before I begin the end of this journey...stay tuned:)

Planning my Grief

So, most of you don’t know that I actually planned my grief and mourning to occur from November 11, 2015 to February 14, 2016...because that's what OCD counselors do, right? 

It made perfect sense as it included all of the significant and difficult memories including Craig’s rapid decline last Fall/Winter, his 60th birthday, Thanksgiving, all of the traditional Christmas celebrations, New Years Eve, the 1st anniversary of Craig’s death (1/22) and Valentines Day. I was going to hibernate in my ma'am cave each evening, travel, write my next book and somehow, some way recover during this time. 

Well, I had the joy and opportunity to dine with several uplifting, encouraging and inspirational women over this break to whom I shared my great plan: 

Operation Meltdown: Kasey's Great Grief Plan!

At the time I was not executing the plan very well and it was quite obvious as several friends (and family) strongly suggested I seek counseling:)  But, January 1st came and I was overwhelmed with strength, empowerment and determination to heal, reconstruct and accept all of my life as it is now.  

If by February 15th, I am not in a good place, I will succumb to therapy (blah blah blah), but for now, I do believe I can successfully recover alone and with a little help (time, tears, laughter, wine...) from my friends and family.

I will heal. I believe. 

Follow my journey at

http://mindovermatterbooks.blogspot.com/?m=1