My Seven Stages of Grief: Anger and Bargaining

ANGER & BARGAINING

"Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. 

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")"

                                               recover-from-grief.com

Ok, in all honesty, I NEVER said (or thought), "I will never drink again if you just bring him back." I knew better:) I knew I had a good thing from the moment I met Craig. I recognized he was a gift and knew my time with him was limited as life on Earth is not eternal. I was truly grateful for the time I had with Craig and  the memories that couldn't be taken away. I was also well aware our relationship was extraordinary and most people don't experience such unconditional love, respect and trust from a partner ever..so the near eleven years I had with Craig was a true blessing! 

But, I can also honestly say that the only time I ever yelled at my husband was shortly after his death and my rude discovery of the financial mess I was left with thanks to the very convoluted and false Will. I actually screamed at him in my bedroom. Unfortunately, he wasn't alive to defend himself and assure me that "This, too, shall pass!" I felt awful for the outburst and vowed to not allow this mess unfold me. I had to keep believing I would get through all of this and be ok financially...and mentally. 

I know some anger occasionally  reared its ugly head when I thought about the people who took advantage of my husband's generosity and good nature. There were a few. Maybe I was just venting my hurt and pain out on them. What would Freud say? 

Anger also erupted not-so-softly in December as I discovered some false accusations were made about me regarding my stepkids and the Will. It just took one person to start some rumors, I am guessing because he, too, was hurting. Taking it out on me, however, was not the way to go! I was a mess that month and let it get the best of me. I was hurt and distraught that someone was backstabbing me in this way. 

I had to let go of that anger, too, as I know the truth, my friends and family know the truth, and, well, the truth is all in a well organized, 100+ paged professional binder labeled "The Estate of Craig and Katherine Kellem." 

Some people suck. I guess that is the anger in my talking. Looks like I have successfully gone through Anger and Bargaining! Yay, me!!!

My Seven Stages of Grief: Pain & Guilt

PAIN & GUILT

"As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase." 

                                            www.recover-from-grief.com

Damnit! I clearly missed this memo: "and not...escape from it with alcohol"....Oopsie daisie!  After not drinking for about 1 1/2 years during my husband's treatment program, I returned like a champion. It didn't last long as my MS prevailed and my left leg which I kindly named, "Nelly," let me know that drinking was not going to be the answer to my pain! Damn, Nelly!

I do remember some  feelings of pain and certainly remember things being real chaotic when I made the rude discovery a month after my husband passed away that basically my husband's Will was null and void. Yep, he rewrote our 2006 Will right after his diagnosis in early 2013 while he was heavily doped up and, well, according to my lawyer, gave his company, instead of his family, everything except my dirty laundry. Crap. So much for a legal, notarized document written by a team of expensive lawyers. 

Yep, there was chaos and pain, alright. WTH? 

I  certainly felt  remorse for not getting my own life insurance for my husband, as the one indicated in the WILL actually went to his company. I filled in a few life insurance forms during his illness, but was always reassured that I would have "More money than 'I' would know what to do with," so I left this all in the hands of my heavily sedated husband. Oh, yes, there was remorse. 

And yes, life certainly felt chaotic and scary as my once financially stable, ok financially spoiled,  livelihood was questionable now. Instead of limos, I was using Uber.  I found a less expensive cleaning lady, lawn service and cut a few other corners. OK, I wasn't desolate, but I wasn't living "la vida loca!" Despite still being a shareholder/part owner of my husband's company, I no longer  had access  to  the loges, suites and floor tickets for all of our major sports games. Back to the bleachers:) 

Despite it all, I just had to believe things would eventually work out for the children and me. I finally understood that my husband did all of this to keep his companies going and his employees employed. The kids and I would be financially ok...eventually. So, I buried the hurt and pain from this misfortune, as well. I can't undo it. I can't change it. I have to accept what it is and move forward the best I can. 

So far, I am getting through these seven stages of grief just great!!! Keep up the great work, Kasey! 

What is Grief? What is Mourning?

Before I can go on, let me give you a little background on my recovery thus far:

First and foremost, let's understand what exactly "Grief" and "Mourning" mean according to good old Google:

Grief: deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death

synonyms: sorrow, misery, sadness, anguish, pain, distress, heartache, heartbreak, agony,torment, affliction, suffering, woe, desolation, dejection, despair; mourning, mournfulness,

bereavement, lamentation.

Mourning:  the expression of deep sorrow for someone who has died.

synonyms: grief, grieving, sorrowing, lamentation, lament, keening, wailing, weeping!

My grief began long before Craig passed away, as I knew his death was inevitable. I hid it well, pushing it deep down inside of me, but I certainly knew my time with him was limited and for that, I was heartbroken, sad and hurting inside. But, his last days on Earth weren't about me, they were about him and I did all I could to keep him comfortable, happy, entertained and distracted from reality. 

Although we did not have the traditional wake, but instead a "Celebration of Life" there was still a lot of weeping and wailing that occurred that night and the day of Craig's funeral. Alcohol certainly added to the grief, probably not in the best way, but it was how most of us knew how to cope. I felt my role during this time was to comfort others, keep the mood light, and well, entertain. Probably the beginning of my denial!

I guess this means we need to revisit the seven stages of grief before I begin the end of this journey...stay tuned:)