My Seven Stages of Grief: Acceptance and Hope

ACCEPTANCE & HOPE

During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
                                                recover-from-grief.com


It is Valentine's Day. A day I haven't celebrated since my mother died on it twelve years ago, three days before my parents' 42nd anniversary. They were the icon of unconditional love, mutual respect, complete trust and a strong, loving companionship. They greeted one another with hugs and kisses. They never once argued in front of my sisters and me. I never knew of a fight or disagreement between them. Oh, I yearned for such a relationship for many years before God graced me with Craig. 

Craig, I believe, was sent to me by my mother a month after her death which was exactly two years after his mother's death. He was a gift from the very beginning and somehow I knew this! Our relationship was one that may never be repeated for me in my life. 

I was spoiled, really spoiled. I could do no wrong, no matter what. We laughed about the very things that cause most couples to argue and fight. We both came from the rare parents who actually loved and cared for one another and showed it. We both yearned for such a relationship after a few failed attempts with others. Craig and I were unique, blessed and truly in love. We accepted each other 100% for who we were without ever attempting to change the other. We sought  opportunities to show our affection, to give to the other, to make the other's day more special. We didn't criticize. We never hurt each other intentionally or not. I can't even imagine ever saying a hurtful word to Craig or ever feeling anything negative towards him. That simply wasn't us.

I can never replace Craig. I realize that.  I have memories of a relationship and experiences that make me happy and no one can take that away from me. I am grateful. Yes, I miss Craig every day. Yes, I still cry. And, yes, it still hurts. But I was given a beautiful gift for which I feel blessed. So, today is a good day. 

My Seven Stages of Grief: Reconstruction and Working Through

RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH

As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
                                        recover-from-grief.com


I certainly needed to reconstruct myself and several aspects of my life. I had avoided and pushed some people out of my life, for no real good reason at all. I had pushed church out of my life, as well. Not because I was angry with God or anything like that. I certainly recognize that Craig was a gift to me and time with any gift is limited. 

No, I pushed away the church and the church people, my friends, because I felt that had been Craig's home and Craig's friends. He had been a member at The Old Stone Church for over twenty-five years. He married his first wife there and raised his two children in that church. It was their home for far longer than it had been mine. Craig had been a deacon and trustee at his church and was a respected member and friend to many. 

It was bad enough I was literally living in the home Craig had with his first wife and children, but to continue in his church just seemed odd. Dr. Mark, the head Pastor, reached out to me a number of times and even had my sisters take me to service about a month or so after Craig's funeral. It was an awful experience for me. I fought tears the entire service. The memories of Craig holding my hand in service hurt. The whole experience hurt and made me want to cry, but of course, I did not want to cry and hurt, so I avoided the church the rest of the year. 

I avoided those friends last year, as well. In my head, I was just simplifying my life and going back to my foundation of friends and family to get through the year. Thankfully, one church member continued to reach out to me. For this, I am grateful. She gave me the strength and courage to respond favorably to a church party invitation. It would have been simple to decline, real simple, but the right thing to do was to stop hiding and start healing. 

I knew that seeing these friends was going to cause a lot of heartache and pain. I actually felt some anxiety and fought tears the day of the party. My boyfriend encouraged me to just cry and allow myself to feel the pain. He reiterated that at some point I am going to have to stop celebrating my husband and start feeling the pain of my loss. I agreed. I also agreed that this was not the time for me to be introducing him to this group of friends. I needed to reconnect with my church friends  first and then I could move forward with them and him. 

I am grateful that I was given the courage to attend this party. The hostesses and guests were beyond gracious to me. I felt right at home and like I hadn't actually missed an entire year with all of them. They welcomed me and all wanted to know more about my new life. They had followed me on Facebook and inquired about my dog, my fun summer, school and some other friends who they had met from Craig and me. They were so warm and carrying to me.  For this, I am grateful. 

I even had an opportunity to catch up with the pastor, who is by far the best pastor I ever met. I miss hearing his weekly messages, but just am not ready to go back to that church. It was Craig's home. Part of me wants a fresh start in another church. I certainly want a fresh start in another house, which will hopefully happen this summer. 

I need to redefine me. Just me. I am no longer Craig's wife. I am just me. I need to rediscover my faith, who I am and what I want to do with the rest of my life. I am eagerly embracing this new journey. I do Believe this year of reconstruction will be a good year.